Happy Festivus! Listen Up, We Have Casino Grievances to Air

What started as a gag on the US sitcom “Seinfeld,” Festivus has become a real-deal holiday alternative, occurring annually on Dec. 23. So set up your aluminum pole, get ready for the feats of strength, and take stock, as this is your time for an “airing of grievances.”

Think of this last tenet as the opposite of Thanksgiving. Festivus (“for the Rest of Us”) allows you to go around the table over a nice dinner and tell everyone how they have disappointed and/or annoyed you over the last year.

When it comes to casinos, generally, there’s plenty to love from me. The thrill of the games, buzz on the floor, eternal hope of winning big -- it’s a veritable hive of exciting possibilities! But, just like people we love, casinos also have ways to torment you. As a regular casino patron and Vegas visitor, believe me, I’m well-versed in bad beats. 

It’s time to let it all out. Festivus is here! And these are my 12 biggest casino complaints of the year. 

‘I got a lot of problems with you casinos,” I think in the voice of Frank Costanza, “and you're gonna hear about it!’

Sometimes It’s the Machines ...

1. Close calls and near misses

This is where the frustration begins. You get two bonus symbols when you need three, or five balls when you need six…or worse still you get two bonus symbols and five balls all landing on the same screen! 

Close calls are top of my list of casino grievances, especially when they come with a special whirring sound or a sped-up reel. If you’re going to disappoint me, don’t give me fanfare first. Either give me the symbol or bog off.

2. Underwhelming bonuses

We’ve all been there. It’s taken us a couple hundred dollars, and maybe half as many minutes to hit the bonus. However, we’ve finally landed the required symbols and we’re ready to go. (It’s a Festivus Miracle!) 

You hit play, full of anticipation, but all you get are a few dead spins, some retriggers (Buffalo, I’m looking at you here) and a measly $20 - $30 pity win. Just don’t bother next time, okay?

3. ‘Scam Pots’

So, this isn’t the correct terminology for them, but if you’re a slots player you’ll know exactly what I mean. The pot is overflowing, the pig is fit to burst, the firecracker is about to pop, the lid is about to close … yes you guessed it, the highly misleading visualization tools that casino games use to lure you in. 

This is a fairly recent trend in slot games over the last few years but one that now comes in every shape and form you can think of. No matter how many times you tell yourself that the visual is not a reflection of how soon the bonus will hit, something inside us says “look at the size of that pig/chicken/pot/plant (delete as appropriate), it’s gonna go any minute now” and the bigger it is, the more we desire it. 

Stop messing with our heads, casino game developers!

Sometimes It’s the Players ...

4. Successful neighbors

Picture the scene: there’s a bank of available slot machines. You choose one and start playing without success. A few minutes later, another player arrives, picks a slot beside you and starts hitting bonus after bonus. You’re then joined by another player on the other side, first spin, they hit the bonus. 

Meanwhile you’re sitting there silently seething to yourself about picking the “wrong machine” while being outwardly supportive to your neighbor saying things like “great win,” “lucky you” and “well done” through gritted teeth.

5. Button and screen slappers

Button slapping and, even more vexing, screen slapping in casinos has definitely become a more prominent issue in recent times. I don’t get it. Repeatedly banging the screen of a slot machine doesn’t make it pay out. The RNG doesn’t have feelings or thoughts. It’s not going to say to itself ‘this casino player must really want to win, because they are hitting my screen so aggressively the whole bank of slots is shaking, therefore I will drop a nice jackpot ball for them’. Nor has any helpful programmer programmed secret hacks into the game to help you. It’s all pre-determined, it’s automatic and it’s random. Please. Stop.

Oh, and it’s just as annoying when you get on a machine and the spin button doesn’t work anymore because some idiot has completely needlessly beaten it to breakage.

6. Rapid spinners

Rapid spinners are the type of people who read the last page of a book first, deliberately search out spoilers, or like to race to the finish in all of their endeavors (ahem). You just know they are the ones who skip foreplay. Why are you even bothering? 

Casino play is meant to be fun, it’s a pastime, it’s enjoyable, entertainment. Part of that fun is the graphics, the sounds, the symbols, the excitement of waiting to see what will land. You hear the continuous button tapping and the sound effects coming to an abrupt stop every few seconds. Rapid spinners just want to win, they want the end product without any of the game play.

7. Smokey smokers

Always a controversial issue, but smoking in casinos is a hot topic and one very much making the grievance list for me personally. It’s not casino smoking in general that bothers me, but rather those inconsiderate smokers who like to dangle their cigarettes away from their own slots and towards mine instead. They are sitting in a nice smoke-free clear-view zone, while in the meantime I’m struggling to find the play button due to the clouds billowing around me. 

Even worse are the smokers who take a drag and blow their smoke in my direction. Direct smoke is bad enough, thank you very much, never mind the leftover entrails being exhaled from your body. And don’t even get me started on cigar smokers.

8. Slot loiterers

There are three types of casino loiterers in my books: those who genuinely want to watch a game being played, those who want to nab your machine, and those who are up to no good. You can feel their presence behind you when you’re playing, like a dark shadow or a creepy younger sibling. 

The problem is identifying which loiterer is which. Quite often, I experience the first kind of loiterer, especially when hitting a nice bonus feature on a slot. I once landed 400 free games including the Unicow on Planet Moolah and had a full blown audience behind me throughout the whole thing. I’m certain someone brought popcorn. I don’t really mind those loiterers as long as they don’t follow me. But the other two types of loiterers are a nuisance. 

Some are AP’s (advantage players), who are scouring the casinos for potential plays that give them an edge. They circulate the slots, prowling for prey or naive slot players who will leave a machine that is ripe and then jump on it. Meanwhile loiterer type three is just plain dodgy, so you have to keep your wits about you and your belongings close by. On second thoughts, let’s just put all loiterers on the grievance list just to cover all bases.

9. Micro-jackpot screamers

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the lively atmosphere within a casino, the cheering and chatter and bells and jingles from the games all just make the experience more fun. But when I say screamers, I mean the groups of people who make a huge spectacle of winning, regardless of how minor the win is. I’ve sat beside such a group more times than I care to remember, and had my ears bashed by high pitched screeches after an $8 win. That’s when you know it’s time to move machines, or even casinos.

Sometimes Casinos Are the Problem …

10. The cost of ‘free’ drinks

One of the perks of gambling in most casinos is the “free drinks.” However, in a casino waiting for them can end up costing you a fortune! Whether it’s poor or slow waitress service or just bad timing, how many times have you stuck around waiting for the drink you just ordered to arrive, and you’re a fair bit out of pocket before a drop has even passed your lips? 

Some casinos have blind spots when it comes to waitress service, meaning you can blow through money without getting served at all. But worse still is when you’ve placed your order and then waited that long for it to arrive you could have bought 10 drinks with what you’ve just lost while waiting for your “freebie.”

11. Dirty rotten slots

Is there anything more annoying than locating the game you want to play, only to find it buried under a deluge of dirty ashtrays, empty beer bottles, leftover snacks, and a sticky button? Some players treat slots like their old teenage bedroom -- I’m surprised I don’t find more odd socks lying around! 

Having to clean up after, let’s face it, a grubby, previous player is not fun. Maybe casinos need to have more cleaning staff on duty, or maybe players just need to stop being skanks and clean up after themselves instead.  

12. Not getting a game

Losing is just part of playing casino games. Every player knows that and every player should be prepared for that. Losing, therefore, by itself is not a grievance. However, losing without getting a game is a big irritant! There is nothing worse than heading to a casino for a nice afternoon or evening out and blazing through your budget within the first hour without any wins or bonuses along the way. By all means take my money casinos, I’m happy to pay for an afternoon or night of entertainment. But at least tease me, toy with me and let me think I might win first. After all, that’s why I visit!